The Fox, The Bird, And The Frog
by Lala to the power of 2
Summary: Fou smirked. Well, think about it- your goal is not to get killed by Cross, right? Then who better to ask for help from than the person who no doubt knows him best? Cross/Komui/Bak, Lavi/Allen, and shameless Link abuse.


It was right after the Ark Incident, as it was currently being referred. The officials of The Black Order from all over the world were being called, though only a few had shown up so far.

Though he was technically probably the farthest from their chosen meeting place, Bak Chang, thanks to the Ark, was the first to arrive,

As it was, thier was still a fairly relaxed atmosphere, though they all knew that wouldn't last long- soon enough, the tension would be too thick to breathe.

Bak assumed that this was why Komui had chosen _now_ to seduce him.

Which, really, wasn't so bad. Until about three days after the... Initial, uh, incident, when Bak overheard something that made things a lot more complicated.

"Come on, Komui," Cross Marian's voice could be heard saying, drifting in from the next room. "It's been so long since I've been back. You aren't even gonna welcome me home?"

It was, predictably enough, Komui's voice that replied. "Oh, but I did already. Or do you not remember me saying 'Welcome back, General; I believe you have about four years of paperwork to catch up on.'"

"That's not quite the kind of welcome I was hoping for."

"Well, I'm afraid you won't be getting any other kind from me, Cross."

"Now, now, babe. Don't be so cold. I haven't gotten a chance to touch you in so long, you're not really gonna make me wait any longer, are you?"

"I am, actually. You can find someone else, _General- _or did you seriously think I wouldn't move on when the entirety of the Order assumed you for dead?"

"I allways come back. And so do you. You can't resist me forever."

The sound of a soft slap, probably from a hand being batted away. "Watch me."

The conversation apparently ended with that, as the next thing Bak heard consisted of footsteps leading away and a door slamming.

And it was at this point that everything he had overheard actually registered, and Bak realized that he was caught in a love triangle. With Cross Marian at the opposing end.

"Oh, fuck me."

--

He wanted to talk about this. He wanted to tell someone, and then ask them what the hell he should do. Because Bak didn't have to know Cross well to see that the last place he wanted to be was between Cross Marian and what he wants.

But who the HELL was there to talk to about this with?!

Bak sighed, because in the end, he realized that he'd end up talking to the same person he always does when he help.

"What's up, Baka-Bak?"

"I think I'm in trouble, Fou."

"What'd you this time?" She asked wryly, propping her feet up on his desk.

He sighed. "As always, your faith in me is less than inspiring. But I suppose it's well deserved this time- I think I'm caught in a love triangle."

She looked incredulous, to say the least. "You mean to tell me there's actually more than one person who's interested in you?"

"No. No there isn't."

"Oh. That makes a bit more sense. Though I have to admit, I'm still a little shocked that you've got _anyone _who likes you."

"Honestly, so am I. But aside from that, this situation? I'm pretty sure it goes way beyond 'This won't end well.'"

"Why's that?"

"Cross Marian's on the other end of it."

"...How the hell did that happen?"

"I don't know! I don't know how ANY of this happened! I had never..." Bak buried his face in his hands. "What the hell."

Fou, for her part, looked terribly amused. "So, who's in the middle then?"

Bak mumbled reluctantly into his hands, "...Komui."

She burst out laughing. "You're caught," she breathed out between laughs, "in a gay love triangle," snickering, "With Komui Lee and Cross Marian!?" She descended into another fit of laughter, sobbing with mirth and pounding her fists into the desk.

"Are you quite done yet?"

She toned it down into giggles, "Yeah, yeah." She snorted. "No!"And once again, laughter overtook her, and she fell onto the floor clutching her sides.

"I'm serious! Once Cross finds out that Komui's been blowing him off because he's been with me..."

"You're thinking he'llhunt you down and, ah, cut down the competition?"

"Oh,god. I feel like a frog hiding under a bush, just waiting for the fox to sniff me out and eat me."

Fou thought for a moment. "Yeah, that's pretty much the situation."

Bak groaned into his hands, and Fou patted him on the back. "It'll be okay." She said sympathetically. An idea hit, though- "Well, I may not be able to help, but there's always someone else you could ask..."

He looked up from his hands hopefully. "You think there's really someone who can help me?"

Fou smirked. "Well, just think about it. You're trying not to get killed by Cross, right? Meaning it's safe to say that you're ultimate problem lies with him."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Well then, who better to ask for help than the person who no doubt knows him best?"

Bak's eyes widened. "You can't be serious."

"Do you have any better ideas?"

--

Allen Walker was quite startled when Bak Chang came to him with a question.

"Walker," he had begun, "I need your advise on something."

He was surprised, sure, but not enough not to help out a friend who was, apparently, in need. "Sure, Bak-san. What is it?"

Bak looked slightly embarrassed, averting his gaze from Allen with a blush. "Well, uh... How should I put this... Okay." He turned his eyes back to Allen resolutely, "There's a fox, a bird, and a frog, and-"

"What kind of bird?"

"Huh? It doesn't matter! A pigeon, or duck or something."

"It does matter, though. Foxes eat those."

"Oh. Well, then, what wouldn't a fox eat? A hawk, maybe?"

"Hawks eat frogs."

"Er, then a crow."

"I think foxes eat those. And they probably eat frogs, too."

"Then a toucan."

Allen looked thoughtful for a moment. "But I don't think you can find a fox and a toucan in the same place in nature..."

"It doesn't matter what kind of bird it is! The point is, the fox and the bird used to be lovers, but then the fox left and the bird decided it would be better off without the fox anyway. So the bird then chose to pursue the frog, and succeeded. However, the fox came back and wants the bird all to itself, even though the bird doesn't want to go back to the fox. Now, the fox doesn't know about the frog, but that won't last forever. Now, my question is, what can the frog do to avoid being eaten by the fox?"

Allen blinked in surprise. "That was... Surprisingly easy to understand, considering how complex you made it. But I guess... Well, if the frog really cares for the bird, it should confront the fox. But if it's really more of a fling, then the frog should just run away. Telling the bird he's leaving first, of course." Allen quirked his head at Bak."But what I don't get is, why are you asking _me_ this?"

"Because you're the fox's pupil."

"Oh. In that case, it doesn't matter how far the frog runs, because the fox is gonna bite it's fucking head off."

Bak deflated visibly. "That's what I thought."

Allen eyes Bak curiously. "But what kind of bird could possibly get in between you and that dirty fox, anyway?" He thought for a moment. "Ah, Of course.It must be Komui-san."

"Eh?! How did you-?"

"This little doggy spent a lot of time around that fox. He's surprisingly easy to read, once you figure out how."

"'Little doggy' indeed. You may be a cute little puppy now, but before long you'll be big, and getting entered into dog fights and having your ears clipped so they don't get bitten off by the other dogs."

"Uh,okay. Say, if I'm a dog, and you're a toad, and Komui-san is a bird, what would that make Linalee?"

"A mouse. A cute little innocent field mouse. Mice and frogs can be friends,right?"

"Well, they certainly don't eat each other, if that's what you mean. Although that little field mouse isn't so innocent as to not bite your fingers off,I'd say. What about Fou?"

"A cat." Bak stated bitterly. "She may not ever eat the frog, but she'll sure as hell have fun batting him around."

"Fou as a cat? I don't know, I'd say a cat fits Kanda better. One of those anti-social house-cats who only stay because you feed them and claws you whenever you try to pet them."

"You're really having fun with this metaphor, aren't you?"

"Lavi's a rabbit. I'm not sure why, but he definitely is. And Bookman's one of those really old turtles, and Krory's a bat, and Miranda is a fish."

"Don't dogs hunt rabbits?"

Allen's expression glazed over. "Oh, I'd definitely sink my teeth into that little bunny." He said, licking his lips with a decidedly disturbing smirk.

"Uh... Right... Wait a minute! Cats hunt mice! They hunt mice and they eat them!"

"If it's Kanda you're worried about, I'm not to sure you have to. Domesticated animals lose theirinstincts and forget how to hunt, after all. And besides," he added almost slyly, "If this doggy's got any kind of nose on him, I'd wager that there's a cat who only goes after other toms, if you know what I mean."

"...Huh?"

"It's called a gaydar, Bak-san. And besides, I've seen that sweater." Allen turned to walk away from Bak, "And speaking on the subject, I think I'll do some rabbit hunting. Good luck with not being eaten."

Bak watched him go and could only think that not only had this conversation been disturbing on a number of levels, it had also been entirely unhelpful.

--

It was barely a full day later when Allen next saw Bak, looking as skittish as anyone Allen's ever seen.

Deciding to see how things with his little triangle were going, Allen approached Bak from behind, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"EEYAAH!"Bak screetched, turning around sharply to face his attacker, only to find a wide-eyed Allen Walker.

"Uh, hi, Bak-san. I'd ask how things were going with the fox, but I think you've made that kind of obvious."

Bak, looking abashed, greeted Allen. "Uh, yeah. Good evening to you too, Walker."

"Have you even tried talking to Komui-san?"

"...No. I've been, um, avoiding him."

There was an awkward silence.

"How's the rabbit hunting?"

Allen's expression glazed over again, "Oh, he's still skittish. Runs away whenever he hears me coming. I'll get him yet, though."

"...How goes it in non-metaphorical terms?"

"Whenever my flirting starts crossing over into blatant propositioning, he changes the subject or finds an excuse to wander off."

"...I am amazed at how apt this metaphor is turning out to be considering the fact that we sort of pulled it out of our asses."

"Yes, it is rather impressive, isn't it?" Allen furrowed his brows at Bak,"But aside from that, you can't just keep running and hiding forever."

"I'd like to think I can, actually. After this meeting, I'll be going back to China, where I'll be a continent away from this mess."

"You... Forgot about the Ark, didn't you?"

"Damn it. Damn it all to hell."

It was at this point that Allen decided that this was kind of pathetic, and if he didn't stir things up a bit, the pot would boil over.

Hey, that was a pretty good metaphor, too, huh?

--

It didn't take long to find Cross. Just look for the room with the biggest liquor cabinet, and the rest will take care of itself.

Cross Marian was sitting in a plush chair, swirling the wine glass in his hands pensively.

"You know, Shisou," Allen began, catching his master's attention, "If you're having trouble, you might consider the possibility that perhaps the reason your precious little bird won't let you back into the nest is because there's someone new occupying it."

Cross looked at his student in contemplation. "You might not be so dumb after all. Seems like I'll have to start sniffing around for a rat," he grinned.

Allen felt a little bad for stirring up trouble like this, but comforted himself with the knowledge that in the end, everything would work out. Probably.

--

It was a few more days before Allen would see the results of his meddling. It took that long for Cross to put together the pieces of the puzzle the scientists gave him, leading him to the rat usurping his nesting grounds.

Bak, however, had foreseen such an occurrence, and thusly was sure to stay under the radar.

Though it was going well in general, at one point Bak could have sworn he heard Cross. Panicking, he ducked into the nearest room, closing the door behind him quickly.

He waited in anticipation for a few moments, and once he heard footsteps passing the door, let himself relax, letting out a relieved sight.

And then he noticed who else was in the room.

That being a very displeased Allen walker, sitting on a desk with a knee wedged between the legs of a mildly surprised Lavi, who was standing over the younger with one hand planted on his waist and another on his shoulder.

"...Oh. Uh, hi, Walker. I take it the rabbit hunting went well?"

Allen's eyes narrowed. "Gloriously. Do you mind? I'm kind of in the middle of something."

"I noticed." Bak glanced at the door nervously. "I can't really...Uh, go out into that hallway again for a few minutes, though."

"Fox-dodging?"

"Indeed."

Allen sighed. "If I wasn't fairly certain it would be putting your life in danger, I'd throw you out of here physically." He looked remorseful "And it took so long to ditch Link, too."

Something about those words made Bak pause to think. "Link...Of course! You're not allowed to get near Cross right now! If I just stay close to you, there's no way he can kill me!"

"Like Hell you will! I've already got that two-spotted lizard stuck to my back, I don't need a little toad following me around, too!"

"Walker, he'll kill me! He found out about me from the scientists, and you were right! He's out for blood! MY blood!"

"Well, that's not my problem!"

"My God, Walker. You're usually a bit more... agreeable than this."

"Yeah, well I'm typically not being interrupted in the middle of something I've worked _very_** hard **for."

"Actually," Lavi voiced, speaking for the first time since Bak had entered. "He's like this around Kanda, too. They get on about as well as-"

"Cats and dogs?"

"I was going to say oil and water, but that works too, I guess." He looked at Allen again "I assume you're like this with Cross too, with the way you talk about him, but I've never seen for myself."

"Right. Well, I'm glad I've only been on your good side up to this point."

"Well, you won't be for long if you don't GET OUT."

Anything that might have been said next was cut off by the small yelp Allen made when Lavi decided that now would be a good time to attack Allen's neck with his mouth.

"L-Lavi! What are you doing?"

Detaching himself, Lavi casually replied "Well, it seemed like the conversation was over, so I figured I'd pick up where we left off."

Bak shifted awkwardly, and Allen waved his hand dismissively in his direction. "Shoo. Go, shoo."

"...Right. I'll be off then."

Outside, he ran into, of all people, Howard Link, sitting by the door with his nose in a book. He looked up when he heard Bak."Are they done yet?"

Bak shook his head. "No, they pretty much just started up when I left. Really, _why_ I left..."

"I see." Link went back to his book.

"Say, shouldn't you be..."

"Technically, but... Exorcist, secret Noah, or whatever else he might be, I have realized that in the end, Allen Walker is still a teenage boy. And right now, all he wants is to make out with his boyfriend in privacy. Well, and I really just dont' wanna see that."

Bak nodded. "Yeah, my presence didn't really seem to deter them much..."

Link returned to his book. "I'll give 'em ten minutes."

--

In the end, it was once again Allen who instigated the next phase. Getting sick of the pathetic sight of Bak's skulking and Cross' stalking, he decided that he really wanted to put an end to this.

And so, when he saw Komui pull Bak oh-so-inconspicuosly into one of the unused labs, he knew exactly what to do.

"Come on, Link. We've got an errand to run."

When they reached their destination, Link tried to protest. Allen Walker and Cross Marian were under no circumstances to contact one another- okay, you're not even listening, are you? But really, it doesn't matter if you're only relaying a message like you claim, you seriously aren't- No, it seems you are. You really like seeing me suffer, don't you? I have to report this know, you little bastard. That's a lot of paperwork.

Allen had, by now, gotten very good at ignoring Link entirely. "Shisou! Lab Five!"

Cross perked up at his student's announcement. He put down his wine, grabbed his gun and charged out of the room with a devilish grin.

Link paled, realizing what Allen had just done. "You-you're evil!"

Looking offended, Allen retorted "I am not! I'm doing everyone a great service by ending this charade! It dragging out any longer wouldn't have benefited anyone."

Link seemed stunned, and didn't say anything.

Allen smirked. "Wanna watch?"

--

When Allen and Link got to Lab Five, Cross had already arrived. With his gun. Its presence did not go unnoticed.

"Dammit, Cross!" Komui shouted, standing in front of Bak defensively, "Just put the gun away and leave us alone!"

"I don't think so, babe. We're settling this _tonight_."

At that point, Bak noticed Allen's newly added presence. "Walker! Save me!"

"Um," Allen scratched the back of his head, "Actually, I just came to watch."

"What?! You- TRAITOR!"

"Hey!... Well, yeah."

"But why?!"

"Well, you've kind of been acting like a bitch lately."

"EH?! Is this some kind of revenge for interrupting you?"

"...Only a little."

"Enough!" Cross demanded, cocking Judgement.

"Oh, crap."

"Oh, crap."

"We've got to stop- Oh, to hell with it."

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, HELP!"

It took five missed shots for Allen to decide this might not of been the best idea. Well, more accurately, it took one missed shot, two 'Fuck I'm Bleeding' scrapes, one 'Why The Hell Are You Aiming Over Here?' and a 'If That Giant Crucifix Hadn't Been There, I'd Be Dead.' Either way, this was when Allen realized that yes, the issue would resolve itself like he'd hoped, but that resolution would kind of kill Bak-san. And possibly Link if there were any strays like that last one.

"Ah, hell." Allen muttered. He approached Cross, so that his master might hear him over the ringing boom of gunshots.

"Uh, Shisou, Komui-san doesn't really seem to like the idea of you... You know, murdering Bak-san."

"He'll get over it."

"Yes, I believe you're right, but... It's not exactly the best way to charm him, you know?" He lowered his voice, so that only Cross would hear his next words. "You know,I've been talking to Bak-san, and it seems like things aren't really going that well with Komui-san. Chances are, the relationship won't last long even without your interference. But,if you do kill the pest, Komui-san probably won't ever forgive you... So it's either be patient and wait for the nest to empty, or lose your place in it for good."

After Allen was done speaking, there was silence. When Cross didn't start firing after Allen's speech, the others waited in anticipation to see if Allen's words,whatever they may have been, had worked, or if the General would just start shooting again.

"...Sadly enough, you might actually be right for once. My jealousy seems to have clouded my judgement." Cross put away his gun, and the author fails to come up with a joke regarding his statement's relation to the name of his innocence. She gives up and tries to finish the fic.

"I'll leave things be for now," Cross said as he headed for the door,"but I won't give up on you, Komui. I'll be back, my little bird. You remember that."

When Cross was out of sight, Bak practically passed out from relief. Link didn't.

"You know what? Fuck it. I'm just not gonna report this. Do you know how much paperwork would be involved in explaining that a General went berserk and tried to kill one of the Branch heads? Astronomical amounts. To hell with it, I am walking out of this room and pretending none of this ever happened."

"Brilliant. I agree completely." Allen said, nodding. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go see a man about a rabbit."

"Rabbit? Oh, Jesus, do you really have to? You two just made out like, an hour ago!"

Allen, predictably, ignored him, whistling merrily as he dragged Link off to find Lavi.

And with that, the room was cleared of intruders. Komui looked at Bak, and smiled.

"Now then, where were we?"

--

END. FINALLY.


End file.
